Let’s start from the very beginning. Growing up I was the “chubby” girl with the pretty face. My parents were divorced when I was two years old. He was the dad that wanted nothing to do with his estranged children. I only have two memories of him. One when he came to talk to my mother about child support and I kept saying “look daddy, look” and he just kept ignoring me. Then once when I was 11, I went to visit him and he asked me for a hug. I remember feeling very awkward and thinking “but I don’t even know you”.
Ashley Horner - Find Beauty In Your Strength
I was a 60lb kindergartener and by the time high school hit I was between 160 and 170 punds. In my twenties I shot up to well over 200lbs. In between my growing obesity I went on countless diets losing 20-50lbs and ALWAYS gaining it back. I finally got the weight off and I was happy with my body or should I say “content”. Then came along two pregnancies in a three year period. To add to it all  I have a breast deformity that only augmentation can fix. My body has been put through the ringer. Do I love myself? Hell yes I do. Do I like what I see in the mirror? Not even a little. I have recently put on some weight just so I don’t have to look at my hanging stomach skin. I had previously gotten myself down to about 15% body fat and still could not see one single visible ab. What was once small “deformed” breasts are now pecs with skin flaps beneath them.
I have had countless remarks said to me from some people that were dear to my heart. My now ex husband once said to me the reason we have no sex life is because “fat doesn’t turn him on”. I’ve been asked how far along I was, I’ve been told you would be pretty if you lost 50lbs. On a good note my amazing current husband always tells me “it’s just skin” and that it doesn’t matter to him but to do what makes me happy.
When I was 17 years old I was out drinking (yeah I know, bad) and I was raped. I remember vividly to this day just laying there closing my eyes and saying “this isn’t happening to me” over and over again. But it was. He told me that he would come after my friends and family if I said anything and being young and naive I believed him. (This is where the abundance of weight gain came into play) I didn’t talk about it and in the front of my mind I erased it. I pretended it didn’t happen. I put on weight and started to withdraw myself from people around me. I had very few friends that I let get to know the real me. I’m still working on trusting people even now in my thirties. I have two people in my life that know EVERYTHING about me. My husband and my best friend. Most don’t even know this about me. But hopefully from sharing my story somebody will realize that they are not alone.
While I have lost 60+lbs. I now have a constant reminder of all the ridicules of the past. When I do a plank on my forearms, my stomach hits the ground. When I do squat jumps my stomach makes a slapping noise against my skin. I am extremely proud that I can do all of these things with ease. But the reminder is still there and my past will continue to haunt me in that aspect until it’s gone.
When I got into fitness it brought back my confidence and let me fight back the demons inside of myself. Fitness is my reprieve from my past and present. It clears my mind. I focus on the task at hand and that’s all that matters for that moment in time. I’ve heard people say that you have to be competitive to workout day in and day out the way I do. I can honestly tell you that’s not the case. I grew to love fitness to keep me sane. It keeps me from going into depression amongst other aspects.
So when someone you know says they have had or want plastic surgery, please tread lightly. You don’t know their story.